I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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