Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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