I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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