It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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