he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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