I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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