I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
