Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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