I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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