1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
no, he came in my armpit
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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