I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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