I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
