I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
