My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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