All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
