he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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