Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
