just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
