I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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