here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
