im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
