I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
