I met the friendliest cop last night
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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