drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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