I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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