I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
where are my eyebrows?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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