Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
