I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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