I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
