I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
