I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
