omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
