I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
