I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
