return my video game
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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