There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
