this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
