The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We are all done wearing pants today
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
