I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
