she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
