Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
