i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
