i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
