you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
