my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
