I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
