Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
