where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Can you bring me the toilet please
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
