You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
