I will die if light touches me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
