We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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