Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
